This week Esmae Barnes or Esmae “Attenborough” Barnes one of our clients recounts her recent trip on the Botswana Wildside camping tour with us.Sit back, read and enjoy:“Each season, a special species of human known as “Tourists” migrate from all over the world to gather in Johannesburg, South Africa on the African continent.From there, a dominant individual – normally a male – takes charge. He selects the Tourists based on their unique “Tour Voucher” gene, gathers them into small groups of mixed nationalities and then herds them into mobile corrals known as “Four x Two Wheel Drives” to disperse the Tourists from place to place.

One could surmise from the use of “Four x Two Wheel Drives” that the appendages called “legs” are of little use to the modern Tourist and that over time, the gluteus maximus (otherwise known as “bottom”) have evolved as the most important muscles. These muscles need to be big and strong in order to support the Tourist as it travels over vast distances and rough terrain in search of new experiences.

Once found, these experiences are captured on detachable apparatus called “cameras”. The Tourist uses the camera to assist memory and store images that can be held for long periods of time. Typically the Tourist will digest these images when they return to their canvas dens (known as “tents”). They can also regurgitate the images on numerous occasions thereafter in order to paralyse other strains of humans such as family and friends. This is fatal to the non-tourist as it inevitably bores them to death!

A hierarchy exists within the Tourist groups. The dominant male – called the “Lead Guide” (Latin term: Cronje) is assisted by subordinate drones (Lloyd, Brian, James & Jacob) that share the role of controlling tourist behaviour and feeding the hungry mouths.

Tourists are voracious eaters and devour all that is placed before them. This in turn requires frequent hunting trips by the guides to the aisles of Spar, Pick n Pay Choppies and various markets.

Tourist feeding frenzies are cyclical and occur daily at dawn, midday and dusk. Each frenzy is followed by a rush of activity known as “doing the dishes”. “Worker Tourists” compete with each other to wash and dry the tools used to prepare and consume the meal. A period of inactivity then ensues to allow the meal to metabolise.

Individuals within the Tourist group leave a myriad of tracks that have been classified into brands such as Reebok, Nike & Addidas however to date it is impossible to identify male from female or young from old based on these tracks.

And so … as the sun sets over the Savuti, we will have to ponder this dilemma … another time.”